TReVoices Is The Leading Org Fighting To Stop Childhood Medical Transition World Wide!
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Laura is 37 and currently resides in Austria
Laura Detrans Journey
Detrans Story: Laura
I was born in 1983, and as I sit writing this, I am 36 years old. I am female. I have always been female, but for nearly a decade, starting in my mid-teens, I was in denial of this fact. I took drastic measures to conceal it, including testosterone injections starting at age 18, a double mastectomy shortly after my 20th birthday, and cumulating in a second surgery on my chest, which was supposed to correct the poor aesthetic outcome of the first surgery. Instead, it was so badly botched that it threw me into a crisis which fortunately led to my detransitioning, although this word did not exist at that time. I was, for all intents and purposes, in uncharted territory.
In retrospect, I am glad that I experienced this wake-up call when I did, and did not remain on testosterone any longer. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the testosterone had caused me to develop vaginal and uterine atrophy, which led in part to a pelvic organ prolapse , which I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. If I had remained on testosterone longer, and my pelvic organ prolapse had been diagnosed while I was still under the care of gender doctors, I think it is very likely that I would have ended up having a hysterectomy. Today , as the mother of a toddler age son, I am very grateful that I did not lose my fertility. At the time, though, it was impossible for me to imagine any kind of future for myself. All I knew was that I could not follow the transgender path any longer.
At the turn of the millennium, at the age of 16, when I declared myself to be a “gay male”, changed my name, and socially transitioned, the transgender “community”, and society at large, were different than today. I did not know any other teenagers who were “transitioning”, so I was not subjected to social contagion, nor was I exposed to the idea that I had possibly been “born in the wrong body” or could “change my sex” through children´s books, television, or a seminar on “gender identity” at school.
I was not a feminine girl. At age 8 I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on a lot of medication which did not help me. I remember reading an article which claimed that the diagnosis of ADHD was pathologizing normal young boys, whose brains had supposedly been shaped by evolution to be quite different from those of young girls, and at this point, it occurred to me for the first time that I might actually have a “boy´s brain”. Fortunately, this was not affirmed by my psychiatrist at the time. If I had been born later, I think it´s likely that I would have become a pediatric transitioner.
I was socially ostracized by my peers, and in my early teens my parents’ house was repeatedly the target of vandals who spray painted slurs like “lesbo”. For a time, I actually wished that I could have been a lesbian, because I thought this would have provided me with an explanation for my difference, and some hope of finding acceptance and maybe love. I already knew that I could not be a lesbian though, because I was not attracted to women.
At this time, the internet still consisted largely of text-based message boards and MtFs still greatly outnumbered FtMs. I found information about transsexuality online, and although it had all been written by MtFs, I knew immediately that this was what I wanted. I researched passing tips, cut my hair, and found it surprisingly easy to pass as male, at least among people who did not already know me. Not long after that I dropped out of school, a year later I was hitchhiking and freight hopping around the United States, sleeping in abandoned buildings.
In San Francisco, in spring of 2002, when I was 18 years old, I started testosterone at what was then apparently one of the few clinics which specifically catered to “trans youth”, and where, although an interview with a psychiatrist was conducted, neither heterosexuality, nor an obviously dysfunctional life, were considered barriers to transition. The clinicians were activists. They affirmed everyone. It was a microcosm of what exists almost everywhere today. The trans ideology which I internalized at this time, and helped to spread, had just emerged, and I was one of its early and enthusiastic adopters.
I loved the way testosterone made me feel at first. I was stronger and more energetic, so I imagined it was actually improving my health, and that I had been something like a eunuch before I started taking it. I believed that transition was the only effective treatment for gender dysphoria, and that those who could not transition, or who “failed” at transition, inevitably committed suicide.